This Is The Last Time
by The NY152
Summary: One shot set between the series and the movie. Logan finds out Veronica is leaving for Stanford.
1. Chapter 1

_Oh, but your love is such a swamp_  
_You're the only thing I want_  
_And I said I wouldn't cry about it_  
_I... This is the last time._

– _So. It's true_.

Veronica was startled by a voice she knew as well as her own. She wondered exactly how long he had been there, quietly sitting on that old couch.

She had been busy all morning with phone calls and flight arrangements, making sure everything was set for the moving day. Her father had set off for a stakeout and Veronica was left alone at Mars Investigation's reception one last time. The desk in front of her looked like a battlefield that much resembled the mess inside her own head. The last couple of weeks had been hurried and intense, but it was good actually; with so many fast decisions to be made, there was no time left for moping around and overthinking all the major changes her life was about to suffer.

– _Were you even going to tell me? _– Logan had an expression she couldn't quite read. He looked nonchalant, but there were still detectable traces of sadness, anger and fear in his voice.

– _I... I was gathering the courage to. _– Veronica said standing up and walking to his side.

Logan too lifted himself from the couch, standing inches too close from what could be perceived as a strictly friendly manner. His height towered over her and she could feel the reality of the moment coming down like a ton of bricks.

This was a conversation Veronica didn't want to have. Thoughts of it had crossed her mind a couple of times, but she made sure to quickly shove those to the back of her mind, telling herself she had plenty of more important things to worry about. She wasn't even sure they should be doing this whole farewell thing... But now, finally looking him in the eyes, seeing all the hurt that weighted behind them, she knew it would have been wrong to leave without as much as a goodbye. She sighed and braced herself for the unavoidable pain she was about to feel.

– _I'm glad for you._ – he said, trying to convince himself more than anything – _It was always your dream to leave Neptune behind. I guess it was just a matter of time, really._ – Logan forced a smile.

– _That's my cue, alright. I don't think this town could have made it any clearer..._ – The events of the past months danced painfully through Veronica's memory. She swelled hard and then continued, softer, adopting an almost confessional tone –_ There's nothing left for me here._ – her voice was thick with remorse for all the things she felt like she'd ruined.

– _You've always been too good for this hell-hole anyway._ – Logan shrugged –_ I guess this is goodbye, then..._

His next movements were uncertain. He reached for her hand, but stopped himself short mid-air. He wanted to hug her, kiss her, ask her to stay. But he knew that wasn't fair. Still, he couldn't refrain himself from selfishly taking that last step forward and placing one final kiss against her temple.

He was consciously making sure to memorize the distinct fragrance of her marshmallowy shampoo, even though he knew every scent of her had been imprinted to his mind long ago. Logan held on to that kiss for a second too long and Veronica could feel the tears that poured down from his eyes to her forehead. She was horrified to notice she too had started crying and had to tighten her lips in order to prevent herself from sobbing. He finally pulled away and headed for the door without another glance.

His hands were touching the doorknob when he felt his arm being sharply tugged back. Determined, Veronica's hands grasped at the nape of his neck, reaching for his lips. Logan was visibly startled at first, but soon enough his arms tighten around her waist and he began lifting her up slightly off the ground. Their kiss was soft and it lingered for what it felt like an infinity, as they took their time pouring silent cries and prayers into each other's mouths.

Veronica finally took a long and shaky breath, pulling apart.

– _Goodbye, Logan._

Veronica rushed to her father's private office and shut the door, not looking back. She knew she couldn't afford to. Minutes passed before she finally heard the front door opening as he went way.

It was 9 years before she ever saw his face again.

– the end –

_**Note:**__ I had never written a fanfic before. English is not my native language. I wrote this at 4 __in__ the morning. I don't have a beta. What I mean to say is: I'm sorry. All I havei s feels. Thank you for reading._


	2. Chapter 2

_Stitch by stitch, I tear apart _  
_If brokenness is a form of art_  
_I must be a poster child prodigy_

Logan felt entirely numb as he left the Mars Investigations' office. He found himself in the middle of the Grand's reception, no quite certain of how he had gotten there or how many hours it had been since he left Veronica. He was walking in haze. Everything around him looked surreal, like he was floating over a faint dream. He took the elevator mumbling what should be _good afternoons_, though he wasn't even sure there was anyone around to listen.

As he stepped into his room and clicked the door behind him, consciousness finally started to settle in. The emptiness of the hotel suite; the elegant, yet characterless, decoration; the suffocating silence. It was the perfect reflection of his entire life: one big nothing. It felt like his eyes had been opened for the very first time, like he was invited into the Matrix and could finally see the reality that had been around him all along. He was alone, utterly and completely alone. There wasn't a soul in this universe for which his life made any difference, nor anyone that meant anything to him in return. Not anymore.

Veronica Mars had been a mirage; a beautiful figment wrapping him in a bubble of denial. There was no safety blanket, no pocket-sized superhero that would come and save him from himself. Because the unavoidable truth was no one cared, and no one _should_ care. This realization was so far beyond your ordinary abandonment issues; he could practically feel the physical presence of his own despair. _Meaningless, useless, worthless_ \- the demonic voices of reason buzzed through his head.

The ache he felt had little to do with missing the comfort of an emotional support system, because right now he was sure he'd already received so much more than he'd ever deserved. No; the ruthless agony came from his inability of escaping himself. His his mother, his sister, Aaron, Veronica - they all had made the deliberate decision of leaving him behind. He, on the other hand, didn't have such privilege.

He wanted to scream but could seem to find the strength. His knees faltered and he collapsed breathing heavily while trying to grasp on that last shred of self-deception. Hours passed before he woke up, lying flat on the ground, with the sharpness of reality still burning his eyes. He went straight to the room's bar and found his escape in the bottom of a vodka bottle.


End file.
